I was thinking about what to write the entire way back, but I still can't properly word what I want to say or convey. It was an incredibly humbling learning experience.
So today I went to the Academy of Art in San Francisco who were hosting several other art colleges that were looking through portfolios.
I already knew, but it was another thing to see it yourself.

I already know I'm not the best artist in the world, and I think I'm pretty modest in terms of bragging. However, I consider myself the third best in my drawing and painting class, and a bit higher still in my previous private class.
It was horribly crowded when I went into the hotel it was hosted at, and everyone I saw had intricate or eye popping works. Canvases, pictures of sculptures, mounted photos, and laptops were being carried to and fro. Even the small sketchbooks that people would bring were detailed and every page was filled when I peeked over their shoulders.

I spent 20 minutes the night before compiling loose papers of sketches and drawings on printer paper, along with my freshman to senior agendas which I doodled on, along with my large still life and artbooks. Everyone's professional presentations of their artwork made mine look like crap. And I didn't realize the extent of how crappy my work looked like, and how important it was to present it well, along with the fact almost everyone was a better artist than me, so it looked even worse.
When I was presenting at the Cooper Union table, I was fumbling through the pages while the examiner was patiently waiting for me to show them. In the end, I didn't show over half of the ones I brought; it would show how unorganized I was and everyone else, even the ones with large canvas pieces, probably had less than thirty examples.
The line for Rhode Island School of Design was hellishly long. Even the shorter Cooper Union one I was waiting at was at least a forty-five minute wait. Wasn't helped by the fact I was only allowed to stay there for two hours because I had driving lessons. The girl behind me was talking about how RISD was her first choice, but she would apply to Cooper Union because tuition was free, and if she didn't get in oh well, she was already accepted at six out of the twenty schools she applied to.

What. I had no idea how competitive people could be in art schools.

Looking at all those amazing works should have motivated me, but it made me feel depressed. Since when have I felt depressed about looking at art? Probably the same time I stopped checking dA? They're beautiful and pleasing to look at, but at the same time the doubting thoughts of "Can I do this for the rest of my life as a career?" and "I'm just mediocre right now, how can I achieve quality like that?" have been cropping up in my head since sophomore year. Even in kindergarten I aspired to be an artist, but I'm not sure what I really want in life now. The most obvious answer is to practice and get better. I AM practicing, but it feels like an asymptote. I don't think I'm improving in leaps and bounds like previously, and instead of improvement, it feels like my style is changing and my skill is staying in one place.

At least I know what graphic design REALLY means now. I still am pretty ignorant...

So in my ideal portfolio
-15 pieces of recent/best artwork.
--probably one to three studies
--one of each work made from watercolor, acrylics, oil pastels, and neopikos.
--one still life
--Draw some animals, streets/buildings, or flowers for once
--Something in action or perspective
--something that uses color as the main focus.
--Stupid cow.
--sketches?

To watchers who actually read my rambling journals all the way, thanks for putting up with my rants about me, me, me. I really should update ._.