I was thinking about what to write the entire way back, but I still can't properly word what I want to say or convey. It was an incredibly humbling learning experience.
So today I went to the Academy of Art in San Francisco who were hosting several other art colleges that were looking through portfolios.
I already knew, but it was another thing to see it yourself.

I already know I'm not the best artist in the world, and I think I'm pretty modest in terms of bragging. However, I consider myself the third best in my drawing and painting class, and a bit higher still in my previous private class.
It was horribly crowded when I went into the hotel it was hosted at, and everyone I saw had intricate or eye popping works. Canvases, pictures of sculptures, mounted photos, and laptops were being carried to and fro. Even the small sketchbooks that people would bring were detailed and every page was filled when I peeked over their shoulders.

I spent 20 minutes the night before compiling loose papers of sketches and drawings on printer paper, along with my freshman to senior agendas which I doodled on, along with my large still life and artbooks. Everyone's professional presentations of their artwork made mine look like crap. And I didn't realize the extent of how crappy my work looked like, and how important it was to present it well, along with the fact almost everyone was a better artist than me, so it looked even worse.
When I was presenting at the Cooper Union table, I was fumbling through the pages while the examiner was patiently waiting for me to show them. In the end, I didn't show over half of the ones I brought; it would show how unorganized I was and everyone else, even the ones with large canvas pieces, probably had less than thirty examples.
The line for Rhode Island School of Design was hellishly long. Even the shorter Cooper Union one I was waiting at was at least a forty-five minute wait. Wasn't helped by the fact I was only allowed to stay there for two hours because I had driving lessons. The girl behind me was talking about how RISD was her first choice, but she would apply to Cooper Union because tuition was free, and if she didn't get in oh well, she was already accepted at six out of the twenty schools she applied to.

What. I had no idea how competitive people could be in art schools.

Looking at all those amazing works should have motivated me, but it made me feel depressed. Since when have I felt depressed about looking at art? Probably the same time I stopped checking dA? They're beautiful and pleasing to look at, but at the same time the doubting thoughts of "Can I do this for the rest of my life as a career?" and "I'm just mediocre right now, how can I achieve quality like that?" have been cropping up in my head since sophomore year. Even in kindergarten I aspired to be an artist, but I'm not sure what I really want in life now. The most obvious answer is to practice and get better. I AM practicing, but it feels like an asymptote. I don't think I'm improving in leaps and bounds like previously, and instead of improvement, it feels like my style is changing and my skill is staying in one place.

At least I know what graphic design REALLY means now. I still am pretty ignorant...

So in my ideal portfolio
-15 pieces of recent/best artwork.
--probably one to three studies
--one of each work made from watercolor, acrylics, oil pastels, and neopikos.
--one still life
--Draw some animals, streets/buildings, or flowers for once
--Something in action or perspective
--something that uses color as the main focus.
--Stupid cow.
--sketches?

To watchers who actually read my rambling journals all the way, thanks for putting up with my rants about me, me, me. I really should update ._.

Happy belated New Years, guys :>

...Jeezus, I haven't checked dA in such a long time. I keep telling myself to clean it up but keep putting it off. The National Portfolio Day on the 17th should be motivating me, but it's not.
I still sketch a lot of stuff, but they're not clean nor post worthy ._.; my style is still shifting around.

I turned 18 yesterday. I spent it with my jetlagged and sick family. WHOOPDEEDOO.

...Now to figure out how to make a brag sheet. I don't really accomplish a lot of things.

I guess my resolutions is to do more than whatever I've been doing the past three years; grades, completed works, and actually chatting to people again. Looking back at my high school agendas I doodled on, I improved, but I became disinterested in actually completing the works and started blocking out proportions with too many lines, when previously I wouldn't block at all.
Wonder if this means anything.

Usually when I'm emo I complain in my journals. If I'm happy I run/skip around in my house with a 8D look on my face.
I did that a lot in the summer when my windows were open and blinds were pulled up, that's probably why our neighbors don't ask us to babysit anymore.

KIDDING ASIDE my old journal was ranty and gross.
I actually think of what I want to say when I write journals, but all ideas evaporate when I start typing. Hmm.

My tablet is collecting dust while I have shiny new brushes and pencils laid on my desk.
I'm too lazy to learn I a new media I guess, but coloring is definitely easier on the computer. Just. Argh. Too many buttons that I don't know how to use.

JUNIORITIS HAS EVOLVED TO SENIORITIS.

EDIT: No wait, I have 2nd-6th now. Since they changed it again.
Just. Personal rant about my school life.

I've been trying to get my AP Biology book since July in summer school. At the same time, I was also trying to set in Art 2-4 in my schedule.
I've been denied the SEVEN times I went to the bookroom. The first time I was told I needed permission from the AP Biology teacher, I e-mailed her and she replied back saying she'll allow me to. The next five times the bookroom keeper kept saying he didn't get access to allow me.
Then early August they finalized my schedule without art after I emailed them twice about keeping it. I went to summer camp for two weeks whoop whoop come back go to the bookroom denied again.
I say "screw this" and attempt to drop AP Bio in order to get Art. The office is closed. School starts.
The first day after school there's a shitload of people waiting and cutting in line in the counselor's office because everyone else's schedules are also messed up. After 40 minutes of waiting another counselor comes up, gives everyone a yellow slip of paper for class changes and collects them so they'll "consider" them later.
The second day everyone is STILL waiting but get shooed away because the counselors have a meeting and lunch.
Today, I bumped into my art teacher when going to the counselor's office again. After she understood my situation, she went to the front. I got AP Bio dropped and added an Art class in less than ten minutes.
...
I'm really relieved and excited but somehow I'm still very pissed that everything I tried doing was useless.
(and from waking up at 6:30 am to 8:45 am is a HUGE LOVELY IMPROVEMENT. 3rd to 7th yay)

I'm a bad dA friend, am I I should actually LOOK AT ALL THE DEVIATIONS and JOURNALS and reply but I don't.
And I clicked the bookmark and it took me to Schooloop asdfghjkl.

1: Post these rules.
2: People tagged must post 8 things each about themselves in their journals.
3: Tag six people and post their icons on the same journal.
4: Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
5: No tag-backs.

1. I haven't finished a full pencil sketch in over two years.
2. I have a history of obsessing over games to the point of unhealthy..obsessions, and then having my interest in them quickly die off. But I'm slowly getting rid of that habit. (No more 13 hours of grinding hey!)
3. I usually half ass things, but if I'm determined to do something, I nitpick and analyze and become anal about mistakes. I think I pissed off a lot people by doing this.
4. Because of number 3, I tried drawing porn before (OH HI MOM) but I got so frustrated because the proportions were all wrong.
5. I don't know what to do in my life.
6. I read Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 three/two weeks ago, and then read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles and XxxHolic in the past 5 days even though I don't really like it. I'm just in for the Seishiro/ Subaru Vampire twins subplot. *deprived fangirl*
7. I hate how young TRC Seishiro looks like. Doesn't make him look badass anymore.
8. I wonder if it's considered a fetish if I gravitate to liking characters with suits and uniforms o-o. Applies to real life too.

9. I'm lazy and not tagging anyone else ohohoho. *shot by the chain mail ghost*

Anyway, summer camp soon.